Country People

BENEFIT FOR THE ICU AT METHODIST HOSPITAL

2010-03-29T17:29:00.000-07:00

Hey folks-

I do not have much time tonight, but I did want to inform you of the latest happenings.

The year mark of Seth's death is only a week away. That is so hard for me to believe on so many levels. I've been wanting to do something positive in Seth's memory, so I decided to organize a benefit for the ICU at Methodist Hospital.

My idea is to load up a Penske Truck (Seth's previous employer) with items to benefit those visiting a loved one in the ICU at Methodist Hospital. Acceptable items include: tissues, puzzles, crossword puzzles/suduko/etc., travel size toothbrush/toothpaste, travel size shampoo/conditioner, magazines, etc. Basically, I want to provide the ICU with practical items that can easily be distributed to those in need. Donations will be accepted through April 7th at Penske Truck Leasing and at Bike Masters (another previous employer). See the links listed below for more information.

Thank you in advance for any donations!!!!!

www.100forone.com/icu/info.pdf

www.100forone.com/icu/flier.pdf

FYI- www.100forone.com will be up and running soon. Stay tuned for more details.

a new year

2010-01-07T22:24:00.000-08:00

Well.....I'm not even sure if anyone stops by my blog anymore, but just in case, here's an update in my life.
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BIKE RIDE

I am excited to announce we've set a date for the 2nd Annual Seth Embrey Memorial Century Ride. We decided to move the ride up a month. Hopefully the weather will be a bit nicer than it was in October. Who knows, we may have to postpone it due to snow, if this crazy weather doesn't stop. Start training now!!!!! My goal is to have over 100 riders. More details to come.
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MEMORIALS

I believe I mentioned in a previous blog that I was using some of the memorial money to send a new friend on a "honeymoon" with his wife. I found David on a friend's facebook page. I started to read his blog and quickly discovered that David had a brain tumor very similar to Seth's. I was immediately touched by his story and wanted to do something for him and his wife. Although I've only been able to meet the Wenzel's once, I have talked to them on the phone several times.

I am looking forward to our upcoming conversation. They just returned from their trip to New Zealand. I'm happy I could help send them on a memorable vacation and I can't wait to hear about all of their experiences.

I HIGHLY recommend David's blog. It is VERY inspirational. http://www.jumpdavidjump.typepad.com/

I'm going to use the rest of the money to pay for expenses associated with the bike ride in Seth's honor and memory.
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A NEW YEAR

I've been reflecting a lot lately. What a crazy year this has been. I lost my brother-in-law to melanoma in February. In March, we discovered Seth's tumor had changed drastically. He had surgery right away and we were in and out of the hospital as we were waiting to start chemo and radiation. In April, Seth was gone and I was completely broken. So much grief in such a short period of time. Looking back, I don't know how I was able to do ANYTHING at that time.

By the grace of God, I was able to plan and speak at Seth's funeral, pay bills, move, start work again, and call what seemed like a million different phone companies, credit card companies, and banks. On top of that, I had to figure out how to live again. I honestly thought I would never experience joy again. I thought my life was over.

In a way, part of my life is over. My life with Seth is no longer. Seth was a fabulous boyfriend and husband. We spent 5 years by each other's side. I have so many memories that I will always cherish. As much as I didn't want to let go of my life with Seth, I have to move on. Even though I am moving on with my life, I will never forget him. Seth has made me the person I am today, so in a way, he is always with me. I know Seth would want me to live, so that's what I need to do.

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ME

I can honestly say I am in a really good place right now. I hope I will continue to improve and heal everyday, but I am impressed with my current situation. Plain and simple......Life is Good. I think I'm closer to God than I've ever been. I have a greater appreciation for life and tend not to worry about the crappy things anymore. I've learned my lesson....life is too short.

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ON A SIDE NOTE.......

I keep thinking, "What would Seth have to say about Husker football, Suh, Tiger, etc.?" Seth loved all sports (especially Nebraska football) and just think he would have some great comments regarding those subjects.

birthday/ride/golf/6 months

2009-10-08T22:37:00.000-07:00

It is hard for me to believe it is October already. September was a tough month and I assumed October would be the same. Instead, I feel really good about most things right now. I can honestly say I am in a good place and feel like I am at the top of the grief hill right now.

Friday (10/2) was Seth's birthday. I met a few family members and friends at El Bee's

(Seth's favorite restaurant) for dinner. After dinner we watched Nate, Seth's little brother, play football. As always, I wasn't sure what to expect, but it turned out to be a great evening. I felt like it was a great time to reflect on Seth's life and how special of a person he was. I kept wondering if the night would get sad, but it was just a great night overall. No matter what, I can't do anything to bring Seth back. He is in a much better place now because Seth accepted Christ as His Savior. There is much to celebrate when thinking that Seth will be in heaven for eternity. As much as I miss him, I can take comfort in knowing that he is truly healed now.

Sunday was the big ride. So many people came together to make the event possible. It was truly an amazing day for me. It started out extremely cold. I don't think my fingers have ever been so cold. After a few miles of intense weather, it started to get nice and it ended up to be the perfect riding weather. I accomplished my goal and biked the entire 100 miles!!! It took me about 6 hrs of actual biking.

Although I am proud of myself for accomplishing my goal, I am more excited about the money that was raised. Over $3000 (and counting) was raised to benefit Methodist Estabrook Cancer Research Center. Next year, we plan to have the event in September. Hopefully more participants will be able to ride. Start training now!!! I will post more information as it comes available.

Over the same week, I also participated in a golf tournament that also benefited brain cancer research at Methodist. This event was in memory of Brad Lindahl. I worked with Brad at Quarry Oaks Golf Club. Brad lost his battle to brain cancer about a year and a half ago. My team won the entire event (oddly enough Seth's neurosurgeon was at the event and we beat his team to win it) and I almost got my first hole in one. It was about 6" from the hole!!!!!! Sooooo close.

The other day, I was thinking about my life. I've come a LONG way in 6 months and I have several people that have helped me get to this place in my life. THANKS!!!! When I look back, my life with Seth was like a nearly completed puzzle. When Seth died, it was like the puzzle was disassembled. For awhile, I was trying to put the puzzle pieces back together, but it just didn't make sense anymore. Now, it is like I realized there is a different picture on the bottom of each puzzle piece and now I need to fit these pieces together to form a new picture/life. I am slowly starting to see the big picture and know that God has something grand planned for my new life.

Although I don't know what the future holds, I am confident, I will raise lots of money for brain cancer research. I want to continue to help others with the grieving process and help others in need.

1st Annual Seth Embrey Memorial Ride

2009-09-21T19:52:00.000-07:00

BIKE RIDE DETAILS!!!!!

http://www.leapforacure.org/

Click "Events"
If you click on the link that says "click here", you will open a pdf file of the brochure

The link above will take you to the flyer for the 1^st Annual Seth Embrey Memorial Century Ride. It is a ride, not a race. All abilities are invited to participate. There will be three route options: 30 mile, 62 mile, and 100 mile. The ride will start and finish at Bike Masters on 129^th & Fort in Omaha, NE. Please forward this email on to anyone who may be interested in the ride. All monies raised will go to "Leap for a Cure" to benefit brain cancer research. Please forward this flyer to any friends and family that may be interested in the event.

VOLUNTEER: If you cant' ride, but would like to help, here are some options.

- FOOD- There will be a food stop in Mead, NE. We are looking for food donations (potato salad, chips, sandwiches, and other potluck type meals). We might also need snack (bananas, grapes, granola bars, etc) donations for the water stations. Email sethjoey@yahoo.com for more details.

- DRIVE- We need a few people to drive a car, van, or even motorcycle to help any cyclists in distress. Even if you don't have any bike repair skills, we need people to drive around and call the support van if you see someone who needs help. Email sethjoey@yahoo.com

- WATER STATION- There are a few water stations along the ride. We need a few people at each stop to distribute water and snacks. Let me know if you have a preference. Email me at sethjoey@yahoo.com

#1- Elk City (225^th & Bennington) (8am- 10am shift)

#2/7 Waterloo Water Stop(8:30ish- 3pm shift or two shifts 8:30am-12pm and 12:00-3:00pm )

#4 Ashland water stop

- CONTACT MEDIA- I need help contacting the local media. Email me if you have any connections or if you would like to help spread the word for this event. sethjoey@yahoo.com

Thanks in advance for all your support!

Joey

One more thing....I think I changed the permissions to this blog. Now anyone can leave a comment (you do not need to be a registered user) at the end of my journal entries.

5 months

2009-09-09T21:46:00.000-07:00

Most people look forward to holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays. I, on the other hand, am completely overwhelmed by "special days" and look forward to a day tied to nothing. I've survived a very tough week and a half, but I still have one big hurdle to overcome....my birthday. Tomorrow is my 30th birthday and I feel like I should be excited or happy. Instead, I just want to skip tomorrow and wake up on Friday. I know that is not possible, so I will try to make the most of the day. Since I am already crying, I have a feeling it is going to be another tough day, but we will see what the day brings.

I know I have a ton of support, but I miss that special love from my husband. There is nothing like it. I miss taking care of Seth and having my companion to share my life with. It was really strange to watch the Husker game without him on Saturday. I hope they have Pay Per View in heaven!

My anniversary was last week and it was much more difficult than I could have imagined. I felt like I was just going to start crying uncontrollably all day. Thankfully I was able to keep it together for most the day while I was at work. I also took a little road trip with some friends to Lincoln for dinner. I was very thankful I had something to look forward to at the end of the day. It was good to be around great friends who always make my laugh.

Everyday continues to be different. Some days are better than expected and some are worse. I just never know what to expect.

I always hate the first few weeks of a new job. It is so uncomfortable, it is a challenge to feel confident, and there is just that feeling of walking around like a chicken with your head cut off. Well, that is pretty much how I feel. I almost feel like I am living another person's life. My life now is completely different than my life 6 months ago. EVERYTHING has changed and I am just trying to stay on the treadmill of life right now. Everyday life is now like on the job training. With each day I seem to get a little better and more comfortable with my new life, but frequently I just get stuck and don't know how to live. That probably doesn't make any sense, but it is just how I feel.

We are just finalizing all the details of the Seth Embrey Memorial Ride that will be held October 4th. I will post more details very soon.

could it really be?

2009-08-27T06:20:00.000-07:00

Well, this is probably going to sound stupid, but I just realized that my anniversary is Tuesday. I thought I had one more week in August before the big day hits. I feel like there is a heavy weight on my shoulders. I now feel completely unprepared for this day to arrive. I can't predict when I am going to have tough days, but I am pretty sure our anniversary will be the toughest day of them all to overcome. That was "our special day" and now it is day with so many mixed emotions. I want to celebrate the fact that I was married to a wonderful man for a year and a half, but I also feel lonely and sad. I miss my best friend a ton and would give anything for just one more moment. Since I can't, I guess I can just encourage you to appreciate every moment with your loved ones.

On a side note, I am starting to see the bigger picture. It has almost been 5 months since Seth's death and I can see that God is going to use me to help others in this area. I feel like I have been able to help a few friends lately with some difficulties in their life. As I said in an earlier blog, I don't want this to be in vain. I want God to use me to help others. This situation happened for a reason. I am surprised that I am able to help others already, but I think it is also helping me travel through this grief process in a healthy way.

One more thing....please pray for a wind-less day on October 4th. This is the day of Seth's bike ride. I have been spending a lot of time on my bike and boy do I have a tough time biking in the wind. I think 100 miles in the wind could end up to be a very long day, so please pray for calm day. I don't think that is too much to ask.....

Start Training

2009-08-23T21:24:00.000-07:00

I see I haven't blogged for almost a month. The last few weeks have been action packed. Here is a brief summary of the highlights (in no particular order): I bought a road bike, started back to work, went on a hot air balloon ride, and golfed in a tournament in Indianapolis.

I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but the the bike shop Seth worked at is having a memorial ride in his honor. We are still working on all the details. I will post more when we finalize all the details. If you are on Facebook, search "Seth Embrey Memorial Century".

Here is what I do know. The race will be Sunday, October 4th at 8:00am. The ride will start at Bike Master's at 129th and Fort St. It is a century ride (100 mi), but you could really make it as long or short as you would like. I will be riding the full 100 miles....even if it takes me 10 hours, I will finish the ride!!!!! The money raised will go to two great causes.

Here is a little information about both.

1- With some of the money raised, we are going to send David and Amy Wenzel on a vacation. I randomly (or maybe not so randomly) ran across David's blog via Facebook. He was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor very similar to Seth's. Since Seth and I never went on a honeymoom, I was inspired to send him and his wife on a vacation. For more information check out David's blog. He is very insightful...prepare to be amazed. Please include them in your prayers. http://www.jumpdavidjump.typepad.com/

David and Amy live in Michigan, but I was able to meet them today. David came back to the area for his 10 year reunion. He also spoke at a church and I am thrilled I was able to hear his inspiring message. His message isn't posted yet, but I would highly recommend listening to it, when it becomes available. http://www.shadowlakechurch.com/listen (8/23)

The pastor at my church gave an amazing message on healing and grief a few weeks ago. I would also recommend this message. http://www.cccomaha.org/media/index.php (8/9)

2- The second cause is called "Leap for Cure" http://www.leapforacure.org/

Here is their mission statement "It is our mission to provide timely and useful information on the website leapforacure.org and to conduct research through Methodist Estabrook Cancer Center in an effort to cure brain cancer." On a side note, Seth attended school with Heather.

So how am I? Well I keep trying to look forward and take one step at a time. I am amazed at my progress within the last 4 months. I went from not being able to crawl and now I feel like I am able to jog lightly. I know I still have a long way to go, but I am just doing my best at this point. I am hesitant about the upcoming month. The first ten days of September are going to be REALLY difficult. I have four things to prepare for: our anniversary, 5 month anniversary of Seth's death, a holiday (labor day), and my 30th birthday. I am going to need many prayers to get me through the upcoming month.

WHY? to HOW

2009-07-30T22:16:00.000-07:00

Let me first start by saying that I am having more good days than bad. I can honestly say that I am not crying everyday. Am I still sad....of course, but the tears are not happening daily. I was even able to make it through a full church service without any tears. I think those are both HUGE accomplishments.

I continue to work on our old place. Through this experience I want to become a minimalist. I just have way too much crap. I've given away a bunch of stuff, but I still have too much. Hopefully soon, I will be completely moved out.

My other HUGE step I took this week was sorting through Seth's clothes. This was really tough, but I felt like I needed to do it and I even felt ready. I am going to have someone make a t-shirt quilt out of Seth's old t-shirts. Seth had some great t-shirts. I almost felt like he was known for some of his shirts. As I was looking through them, I was reminded of so many good experiences and I will always hold on to those memories.

"Why?" has haunted me for some time now. I have so many "why" questions with no answers. It can be easy to fixate on that question, but I find when I do that I go no where. The reality is that I will never know the answer to any of my "why" questions. Through Grief Share I learned that I need to stop asking "why" and start asking "how". How is God going to use this experience.

So how is God going to use me through this experience? I am not really sure, but through prayer, I feel like I need to share some words of wisdom. I will say I think it will be interesting to see how God does use me in the future.

Lately, any kind of decision has been super tough for me. Even ordering food at a restaurant can be painful. I've never been great at decisions, but I seem to be even worse now. I think I am having issues with decisions because I had to make so many BIG/TOUGH/PAINFUL decisions on behave of Seth.

In addition to all the medical decisions that occurred the month prior to his death, I also had to make the decision to take him off the ventilator. This was such a painful (to say the least) decision. By the time I needed to make the decision, I knew he was already gone, but I still didn't want to make that decision. I didn't want to let him go, but I also didn't want him to die with tubes down his throat. He at least deserved to die peacefully.

After Seth died, I then became overwhelmed with funeral decisions. Within an hour of Seth's death, I had to decide what funeral home to use. Not exactly something I had ever thought about before. Seth and I never talked about funeral arrangements, so I just had to make decisions based on what I though Seth would have wanted.

So here are my suggestions to you.....

- Make a living will with your spouse. Lets face it, no one wants to have THAT conversation, but it has to be easier to do when both parties are healthy. Seth and I never did this, but I know it would have been helpful and less gut wrenching.

- Buy life insurance.

- Make/discuss funeral arrangements.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE...take my advice. Most couples do not die together, so the reality is that you or your spouse will be a widow or widower. I hate to say that, but it is the truth and I hope you can learn from my experience.

When it rains...it pours

2009-07-21T21:57:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I've had a rough couple of days. I feel like I am in a very low valley and am unsure how I am going to get out of this rut. After the fire station dedication, I became pretty down. I was hoping to get out of that funk, but so far it has only gotten worse.

The weather seems to be directly related to my mood. When it rains, I feel like crap. When it rains for days....I feel like crap for days. It just sucks....I feel so helpless at times. It is like I am trapped in another person's body. Like I don't even know who I am or what to think at times.

I went to our place today and yesterday and started to clean up the place to officially move out soon. Needless to say it was VERY emotional and tough. I managed to get rid of two car loads of my stuff. I donated it to the Sienna Francis House. I hope they will be able to make good use of my old stuff. I am dragging my feet to sort through Seth's stuff. I might just have to pack it up and deal with it later. I am just not sure I am ready to cross that bridge yet.

I would think my tears ducts would dry up by now, but not the case. I've cried for almost two days straight and the tears keep flowing. Crying is so draining. I am so tired of crying.

When I married Seth, biblically speaking, we became one and without him, I feel so incomplete. It is like I am trying to walk with one leg, or breathe without my lungs....it just doesn't function properly. I am trying my best to do I what I think I should and what I think Seth would want me to do....but I just get so lost at times.

I often think....what would Seth being doing if the roles were reversed? How would he be coping without me? What would I want him to do? It just sucks to be left behind. I just want him to tell me what to do.

I know I complain about my life, but my heart aches for Seth and the life he didn't get to live. He was such a sweet guy and never deserved any of this horrible disease. I had a headache last week and it was such a pain in the butt. I took some pills and was over it. My poor sweetheart had a intense (that is an understatement) headache for a month and a half straight and he NEVER complained about it. I had to beg him to tell me if his head was hurting or not. I think he just always wanted to protect me and keep me from worrying about him. I just miss him so much and in so many ways.

Please pray for nice weather and a path to the peak.....b/c this valley is kicking my butt.

dedication

2009-07-19T20:57:00.000-07:00

Thanks for making today's dedication so special. I was thrilled to see so many people come out to support me and my family. The fire station looked amazing and Jack would have been more than proud. KETV (channel 7) came out and covered the event. If you missed the segment on the news, there was a write up on their website http://www.ketv.com/news/20108723/detail.html.

I am starting to notice a trend in my grief process. I seem to fall hard after I mentally prepare for an event. It is like someone is hitting a switch. I am fine one minute and just fall into a funk the next second. It is very easy for me to fall into a funk and very challenging to get out of it. Unfortunately, the switch was hit after the dedication today. I think the reality of everything just hits me like a tons of bricks sometimes and I just don't know how to handle it.

Thankfully I had some afternoon activities that helped me get out of the funk. One of the activities was riding my bike. I was listening to my ipod as I was riding. A song by John Mayer came on and a few lines of his song really hit me.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part"

I think this sums up my situation perfectly. For the last three months I have been "dreaming" about my future with Seth. Our house we were going to buy this summer, the kids we were going to start having, and the life we were going to live together. And now I am starting to wake up and really realize that is not my reality and I can't dream like that anymore. I don't even know what my dreams are anymore. I hate thinking about the future and forget about setting a goal let alone allow myself to dream. I would not even know were to begin.

Well one thing I am looking forward to is getting this elephant off of my back. It seems like wherever I go and see someone, I wonder what are they going to say, ask, or tell me. And that is just if I know them....I feel like I have been meeting lots of new people lately and I can't tell you how many times I have to answer this question.... "so are you married?". What a loaded question....I usually start of by replying "do you really want to know the answer?" and then is usually followed up by an awkward conversation.

Having said that...I really do like meeting and being around new people in my life. In a way it is a nice release for me to be around people that didn't know me before Seth died. They have nothing to compare me to.

So I guess it just comes back to my desire to have a normal life with normal conversations. I just wonder when and if I will ever have a "normal" life again.

a dedication to a wonderful man and brother

2009-07-13T22:48:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, July 19th, the Waterloo Fire Station will be dedicating its new facility to my brother-in-law Jack Rittenhouse. Jack lost his battle with cancer nearly 2 months before Seth died. I would love it if a ton of people showed up to support me and my family. I am also trying to drum up some media attention for the event. If you have any connections please let me know.

Here are all the details........

• SUNDAY JULY 19th
• PANCAKE FEED 7am-noon (free will donation)
• WATERLOO FIRE STATION DEDICATION 10am
o Speakers
-Senator Beau McCoy
- Waterloo Fire Chief Jim Cooke
- Mayor of Waterloo
- Angie Rittenhouse (wife of Jack Rittenhouse and Seth's sister)

o Fire Station address: 405 7th St., Waterloo, NE (just west of Elkhorn.....close to El Bee’s)

3 months

2009-07-09T21:28:00.000-07:00

Let me start out by saying that blogging is my release and my place to vent. As I look back at my recent blogs, I could see how my blogs could be misleading. I usually blog when I am most frustrated, lonely, and down. I do have good days and good moments and other things to be happy about in my life. I guess I am just assuming if you read my blog, but don't see me on a regular basis, you would think that I am doing worse off than I really am.

Having said that, I still struggle EVERY SINGLE DAY. Everyday presents new, different, and similar challenges. As I look back to 3 months ago, I can tell I have come a long way. But as I look forward, I have an infinitely long race to run. That is just plain difficult to think about or even plan for the future.

Because the future is so overwhelming, I try to focus on just one day at a time. When I start to think about the future, I get really down. I just want to know what is next in my life. I think I would be doing better if I just knew where this journey was leading. As I know this is impossible, I must focus on what I do know. I am constantly reminded of the verse that was the focus of our wedding/marriage and Seth's funeral. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will set your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-8

I attended a young widows group last week. It is so hard to hear everyone's story. Almost everyone there lost their spouse to Cancer....it just makes me so mad. I just HATE cancer. It is such a horrible disease.

I attended another group this week called "Grief Share". It is really a great group. Don't get me wrong, it is tough, but it is nice to be a part of a supportive group. One point specifically struck me this week. The video was talking about how it can be easy (but not good) for those grieving to find their identity in their loved one's death. Everything is still really fresh and new. I would be lying to say that I am not mad or bitter. I don't want to be mad or bitter. I don't like being lonely, sad, mad, bitter, or unhappy. Honestly, it sucks to have all these crazy feelings running through my body. I wish I could press an "off" button to these emotions at times.

Most days I do really well. When a bad day comes.....watch out. I feel like I become very ansi, uncomfortable, irritable, and frustrated with everyone and everything around me. During these low times, every second drags on. I feel like time stands still. It is so frustrating when these days arrive. I think I overly prepared for the 3 month anniversary of Seth's death. I did okay, but since then I have been struggling big time. I hope to get out of this funk soon. I hope this weekend brings lots of activities with friends and family. When I am being social, I seem to do the best.

tough days

2009-06-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

Well....I am back from Florida. Florida was mostly good, but tough in many ways. It was hard to be there without my Seth. We never went on a honeymoon and it seemed strange to be there without him by my side. It was also tough to see all these strangers having fun with their spouses/kids/etc. I want to be happy for other people, but I just don't think I have the capacity for that right now.

I bought a new camera before I went on the trip to Florida. It probably sounds strange, but even having a new camera has been a tough experience. With this new camera comes photos, experiences, and a life without Seth.

Since coming back, I have been burning the candle at both ends. I have spent a great deal of time with my NCAA/CWS friends. Lots of golf and great conversations. I am sad the championship is over, but am planning to see them soon at a golf outing in Indianapolis.

Yesterday was also tough for many reasons.....I went to an outdoor concert at Memorial park with a friend from high school. We were having a great time until a man sitting near me needed aid from the medics. I looked back to see what was going on. He was blue and having a seizure. Obviously, this didn't settle well with me and I ended up leaving the concert because of the experience. I just don't understand my life. As if everyday isn't difficult enough....I had to witness that while attempting to just get out of the house.

I have been struggling big time with some things. I know everyone is concerned about me and my well-being. I am thankful for this and appreciate all the support I receive from everyone in my life. Having said that....it is very hard for me to hear people say...."you are so strong", or "you look good", or "you seem to be doing okay". It just makes me feel like I am living under a microscope and all my actions are being evaluated. Either I am too happy, too sad, doing too much, or not enough. I am just want a normal life so bad, but it is so hard to even pretend to have one with so many expectations. In a lot of ways, I think it would be so much easier to start over in a town where no one knows anything about me.

not yet

2009-06-11T17:54:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should not have posted my last blog. Since then, I've had some pretty rough (joyless) days. Lots and lots of nonstop crying. I am not sure what happened, but it has been very tough. I still don't think I have processed it all yet. It has almost been like living a bad dream that never stops.

Everyday day is a constant challenge. I do my best to make the best of it, but I think I just do what I can to cope and right now that is trying to denying the reality of my everyday life. Like I said in the last post, I can't believe it has only been 2 months. It seems like forever ago. Although this will never be easy, I really looking forward to May of 2010. This first year will be so heavy and complex in so many ways, I just want it to be in the past. I know it won't ever be easy, but I just think someday it will not be this tough.

I am leaving for Florida soon. I am going with two friends and I hope the weather is nice. I have a feeling it is going to rain the entire time. I think rain seems to follow me wherever I go, so Omaha will probably have some great weather next week.

I will post more when I return from Florida.

2 Months

2009-06-05T21:35:00.000-07:00

It seems unreal that it has been almost 2 months. Two months of waking up every morning and going to bed as a widow. This is my new reality and norm....a widow. Although the tears don't seem to be as frequent, I still cry everyday. This is probably a surprise to some people that see me on a regular basis. I have been told many times that I am exceeding expectations, which is good.....I guess. The reality of everything is still very painful and has been affecting me more when I am away from other people.

I haven't blogged in awhile; mostly because I have been really busy. Busy, busy, busy......it seems like that is my main objective for everyday. Some of these things that keep me busy are good and some have been a challenge.

So what have I been doing.....pretty much anything to make me physically tired. I've been biking, swimming, walking, golfing, and participating in a variety of exercise classes. My exercise routine has never been so good. A special thanks to all my friends who help make me fatigued everyday.

I have also been busy calling credit card companies, banks, and retelling my story more times than I should have to. It has come to the point where it is like I am reading a story from a book. I seem to be emotionless and matter of fact. It is very strange.

I went back to work for the last week of school. It was tough, but the timing was right. Some kids asked some very tough questions. This sounds bad, but I just tried to ignore the questions or I avoided giving any specific answers. I am glad I was able to tackle this hurdle before summer break.

Speaking of summer break....I am going to St Petersburg, Florida next week. I will be there for almost a week and I am looking forward to this much needed escape. I am going with two of my best friends. We are staying on a beach front hotel. I just hope the weather is nice.

Before I end for the night, I want to tell a quick story. In an earlier blog, I was complaining about having the letters "E" & "R" (aka...emergency room) in my last name. About a month ago, a friend from high school sent me a card. She brought it to my attention that my first name contains the letters "J" "O" "Y". Her prayer was that I would have JOY in my life again. At the time, I didn't believe it would ever happen, but I am starting to have JOY in my life. I am still sad, in pain, and working my way through the grieving process, but my days do contain JOY. I will ALWAYS LOVE and MISS SETH, but I am also starting to realize that he wouldn't want me to be miserable everyday. He would want his Joey to have joyful life. He fell in love with a joyful Joey and he wouldn't want me to live my life without joy.

good night.

Memorial Weekend

2009-05-21T21:07:00.000-07:00

First of all.....I should be going to bed instead of blogging, so I will try to make this one short and blog again soon. As you already know, this weekend is Memorial weekend. The significance of this weekend hadn't even occurred to me until a couple days ago. It has been strange to me how some days/things are more difficult than others. I don't really know how this weekend will treat me.

In some ways everyday is a 'memorial day' for me. I constantly think about Seth and how much I miss him. I just miss so many things.... his bright smile, silly personality, his big hugs, that huge heart of his, and the list could go on forever.

SO many things remind of him....which is good. Seth most recently worked at Penske Truck and Leasing. Everyday I am on the road I see one of their trucks. They are bright yellow and everywhere....and I am thankful for that because they are easy to see.

Before Seth worked at Penske, he worked at Bike Masters. Every time I see someone riding a bike, I wonder if they were lucky enough to know Seth. Speaking of bikes.....I went biking with my friend Michele the other day and we stopped by Bike Masters to say 'hi'. They are going to start a century ride (100 miles) in the fall (Sun, Oct 4th- Seth's birthday weekend) to honor Seth. It will be named after Seth and all the proceeds will go to a charity in his honor. I will post more information and details later. Hearing about the event has inspired me to buy a road bike and participate in the event. I will need some training partners, so let me know if you are interested.

I could go on and on about all the things that remind me of Seth. I hope at sometime this weekend, you can think about Seth and be reminded of a great Seth story. I would love to hear any of your stories. I hope you can also utilize this weekend to spend time with your loved ones. Life really is so precious and so short.

As I mentioned in a previous blog, this week was filled with big steps. I will go in to more detail later, but here are a few of the big ones........

- I attended my first church service since February

- I went back to work (I am already ready for a 12 week break)

- I know there is something else, but I can't remember (my short term memory has been greatly effected....I am not kidding)

a poem to share

2009-05-18T21:36:00.000-07:00

A friend sent me the poem below. I really like it, so I thought I would share it with you. Lots of big steps were taken over the weekend. I will have to write about them on another day. It is getting late and I need to get to bed.

Joey

I am standing upon the seashore; a ship at my side spreads his white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean.

He is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch him until, he hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says, “There! He is gone.”

“Gone where?” “Gone from my side - that is all.”

He is just as large in mast and hull and spar as he was when he left my side and just as able to bear his load of living freight to the place of destination.

His diminished size is in me, not in him; and just at the moment when someone at my side says,

“There! He is gone.”

There are other eyes watching him coming and other voices ready to take up glad shout.

“Here he comes!”

And that is dying.

- Author Unknown

Songs

2009-05-14T21:05:00.000-07:00

This week I went back the gym. Even though Seth and I didn't workout together or even belong to the same gym, it was still tough to go back. I have been walking several miles a day with my mom or friends at home, but I just wanted to return to my natural stress reliever. I have been even thinking about training for a triathlon or some other event to possibly raise money for cancer....so I need to start training if I am going to take part in something like that.

After I ran a few miles, I cooled down on the track and listened to my ipod. A song by Sara Groves came on while I was walking. Last year she came to our church and performed live. She is an awesome singer/songwriter and I really enjoy her music. I actually found a lot of comfort in her music as Jack (my brother-in-law) was battling his cancer. Most of her lyrics are simple, but meaningful. For whatever reason, as I was listening to her sing, some of the words just hit me and I started to cry as I was walking laps.

It is just amazing to me how music can elicit so many different emotional responses. In this case, her song unexpectedly brought me comfort and tears at the same time. If you would like to listen to the song it is called 'I saw what I saw' by Sara Groves. The website listed below provides the lyrics and a small sampling of the song.

http://www.saragroves.com/store/tellmewhatyouknow/lyrics/isawwhatisaw/

As I reflect back to Seth's funeral, I picked three songs that I had an emotional response to for the service. Each one has a special story and maybe I will explain it on the blog someday. David Potter, the worship leader at my church, sang the first two songs during Seth's service. He did an amazing job (I think even better than the original performers listed below).

Since Seth's funeral, these songs seem to get 'stuck' in my head. If you would like to listen to them, click on the links listed below. It is really hard to hear the lyrics to the last song by Pearl Jam. I would recommend also viewing the link for the lyrics for this song.

'There will be a day' Jeremy Camp

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TipLsmZgjI

'Precious Lord, Take My Hand' (first 2 minutes)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMX9cD6do1Y

'Cant Keep' by Pearl Jam

Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzHTRJ97rzY

Lyrics: https://www.pearljam.com/song/cant-keep

Grief

2009-05-12T21:02:00.000-07:00

Well tonight was filled with lots of tears. Tonight I attended a group called "Grief Share" (it is a 13 week program....there is that number once again). Someone at my church told me about it and I am very thankful (thanks Nancy). It is a national program that is designed to help people through the grieving process and best of all it is free. The night started with a short but meaningful video. After that we went around the room and shared our personal stories. It was very difficult, yet comforting to hear all the stories. Everyone was definitely at different places, but I think it is good for me to see others farther along in the grieving process.

Speaking of grieving.....I think most people don't know how to properly grieve....including myself. Some of you may not know that my brother-in-law, Jack passed away two months before Seth. Jack died of an occular melanoma that spread to the brain. It was VERY hard to see him slowly deteriorate and die. He was a WONDERFUL person and so young too (only 37). As I reflect, I don't think I really went through the proper grieving process with Jack's death. And now after Seth's death, I really want to make sure I process this in healthy way.

I just feel like the mind does what it has to to cope and sometimes it doesn't do what it should to heal. It is like having a broken arm and just allowing it to heal naturally. Yes, the arm might look like it has healed and maybe it feels somewhat better, but in the long run, it is still not fully healed. Sometimes it is best to re-break it (experience more pain initially) and allow it to heal correctly. To me "Grief Share" is the re-breaking of the broken arm. Even after just 1 meeting I feel so much better (even though I cried the whole time). It is good to hear someone else say what I have been feeling. It is comforting to not feel like I am the only one out there with these thoughts in my head.

I wish more people knew more about the grieving process. Just from my experience, I feel like most people don't know what to say or do for someone who has lost someone really close. I think most people have the best intentions, but sometimes do or say things that aren't necessarily helpful. I think our society is to blame for some of this. Society wants us to go back to our normal lives quickly and without emotions. This is so horrible. It is just putting a small band-aid on a huge wound.

If anyone is interested in this group you can go to www.griefshare.com to find a site near you. It may not be for everyone, but regardless, I would encourage anyone out there to do more research on grief to better help loved ones who are going through this horrible process.

It is getting late and I must go to bed....so I leave you with this quote "If there were no love there'd be no grief" by Zig Ziglar.

As much as grief hurts....life would be miserable without love. I love and miss Seth so much, but I would be so much more miserable had I never experienced his sweet love.

So how am I doing?

2009-05-08T19:29:00.000-07:00

So how am I doing???......I know it is a question most of you want to know, but I don't know that I have an answer. Yesterday marked a month since Seth's passing. Everyday seems to be a little different, but nearly the same. I miss Seth and think about him all the time. I think early on I thought a lot about his death and now I am able to focus more on his life (which is good). I do lots of things to keep me busy, but at the end of the day I am still without my sweetheart. I continue to be surrounded by a wonderfully supportive group of family and friends. I continue to receive phone calls, emails, and notes on a daily basis. I read/listen to them all, but just have not been able to respond at this point. Please know that I love you all and appreciate the support, but it just continues to be difficult for me to gather my thoughts.

I cognitively know that Seth is gone, but I don't think I have really wrapped my thoughts around his death. This probably sounds really stupid, but death is really hard for me to comprehend. I don't even know how to explain my thoughts and feelings about it, because it probably wouldn't make any sense, but I just don't think I can comprehend it at this point.

Everyday I do feel like I am making progress and taking steps forward. At times I feel like these steps are small and to the right, so eventually I just make a circle and end up not really going anywhere. I know this is not really true, but I guess feeling like this is probably just part of the healing process.

Please include my friend Jane and her family in your prayers. I just recently found out that her brother died in motorcycle accident. He was only 23. My heart just aches for them......

Overwhelmed....is an understatement

2009-04-27T20:34:00.001-07:00

I haven't blogged since the funeral. Life has just been overwhelming since the funeral. I was warned by many that it would get worse after the funeral. All the people would slowly disappear and then I would really start to feel the weight of this horrible reality. Well, they were right. Life has been lonely, sad, quiet, overwhelming, and just different. Everything is challenging, but it has been the little things that really hit me hard.

I know there are so many people supporting me and praying for me, but it is still so hard. It is a challenge for me not to rationalize every little thing that has happened since March. It is hard for me to imagine life without my husband. I just love him so much and we had so many wonderful memories, but yet I am still left without the love from my husband.

I think marriage is such an amazing gift and the love between a man and a woman is something unlike any other love. Even though there are so many people loving me right now and taking care of me, it is just not the same love that a marriage possesses. I know Seth loved me just as much I love him, but it is just so painful that he was ripped away from me and now my life is absent of his daily love.

Besides the obvious, other things have made this journey very overwhelming too. I know I am not the only young widow or widower out there, but it just really sucks that it seems like only people over the age of 80 can understand my loss. But that is really not true either, because most of them have been able to share most of their lives and live their dreams with their spouse, but not me. I am only 29. You are not suppose to be a widow at 29. We were just starting our lives together. I know I was blessed to have Seth in my life for almost 7 years (5 years dating/marriage), but I just wanted so much more. We were going to start looking for a house and then start our own little family together.

On top of that, I am overwhelmed with paper work, bills, accounts, etc. I have so many things to figure out, pay for, and change. I just don't know where to begin. On top of that I just received a statement from the insurance company showing almost $70,000 in pending charges. I would think they would pay for it, but it is just another stressor added to my existing list of overwhelming things in my life.

So to say I am overwhelmed is probably an understatement. As challenging as this has been, I am making it through each day. Each day brings its own challenges, but I am just trying to focus on one step at a time as I walk through this blizzard.

Joey

Seth's celebration

2009-04-13T20:13:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to begin. Today was Seth's funeral.....and it was a really tough day. The last week has been so busy. I have spent much of my time planning and preparing for today. I just wanted it to be very special and a celebration of his life. I think the objective was accomplished. It was a beautiful ceremony from beginning to the end. Everything was awesome....the readers, speakers, special music, and all the support from all in attendance (physically and spiritually).

I am actually watching the funeral right now. If anyone missed it, you can go to this website http://www.reichmuthfuneralhomes.com/ and email or call the funeral home and request to watch the service over the internet. Contact me if you have any questions.

So now the real part starts......although I have been very focused on today, it just doesn't seem real. Even though I have experienced the last 6 weeks by Seth's side, I just can't believe what just happened. I just think he is going to walk through the door at anytime. Mentally I think I am numb, still in shock, and in disbelief.

Today the Jon, the funeral home director brought over all the flowers and plants. As he was leaving he said "Talk to you later".......if you knew Seth, you wold know he liked to say this statement. I just hope I continue to receive these little signs from above.

On a side note....if you have been following the blog for awhile....I wrote about the number 13 in a prior post. Well the number seems to be following me even now. If you didn't realize....today is the 13th and someone gave a memorial of $13. Am I reading in to things.....or is that weird?

I just miss Seth so much and am having a hard time being without him. My friends have been in town for the last week so we've had a week long sleepover at my friend Christy's house (thanks SWAT team). Last night was the first night I had to sleep in a bed by myself. It was really strange.....I didn't like it at all.

I just want one more day with him. I want one more hug.....one more kiss....just anything from him. I don't know what the days, weeks, or months will bring, but I just can't imaging that this is going to get any easier.

Visitation and Funeral Arrangements

2009-04-08T19:00:00.000-07:00

Visitation
Saturday, April 11, 2-6pm
Reichmuth Funeral Home
21901 W. Maple Road, Elkhorn 68022

Memorial Service/Celebration of Life
Monday, April 13, 10am
Christ Community Church
404 S. 108th Avenue, Omaha, 68154
For webcast information, please go to www.reichmuthfuneralhomes.com
(free viewing of Memorial Service available for 90 days)

Memorials and cards may be sent to:
7411 Idledale Lane
Omaha, NE 68112

Going Home

2009-04-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

Joey wants everyone to know that Seth has gone home to be with the Lord. With Joey by his side and a room full of family and friends he slowly took his last breath and died peacefully around 2:15pm.

After Joey's last update on Friday, things took a turn for the worse. Saturday morning Seth had a massive seizure that resulted in the doctors making the decision to put him into an induced coma in order to help his body rest and hopefully reduce the swelling in his brain. Sunday morning they attempted to bring him out of the coma but he was unresponsive. At that point the doctors sedated him again and did an MRI to figure out what was going on. They discovered that he had serious brain damage from the seizure on Saturday and that the tumor was back and had spread over a good portion of his brain.

He stayed in a coma all day Sunday and on Monday they attempted to bring him out of sedation again and he didn't respond. They then decided to take him off of the pain medication and keep him out of the medically induced coma. The hope was that he might wake up for a little while, but they knew his time was short. About 1:15 today they took him off the ventilator and about an hour later he breathed his last. We will update you with funeral arrangements as soon as we know what they are. Please keep Joey and the family in your thoughts and prayers. Though she has assurance that Seth is healed and is with His Savior, knowing where to go from here without him is difficult. Thank you for all your prayers up to this point!

We're back

2009-04-03T16:41:00.000-07:00

Well.... after being home for more than a week, we are back at Methodist. Seth had some ups and downs since being home, but today we had a really bad day. Seth did not sleep well last night. He was in lots of pain and up frequently throughout the night. I gave him pain medication, but it just didn't seem to do anything for him. This morning I gave him his pills and that is when the vomiting started. I tried to gets fluids and food in his system, but he just kept throwing it up. As the day went on, I finally heard back from the doctors office and they said to bring him to our second home....the ER.

Once in the ER, they did yet another CAT scan. Thankfully everything looked good. It sounds like we need to tweek his medications again. Long story short we are staying at the hospital at least one night to get it under control. Please continue with the prayers.

joey & seth

treatment

2009-03-31T12:30:00.000-07:00

Well, we've been meeting with doctors and they say Seth needs chemo and radiation. As much as I don't want him to go through this treatment, it must be done....and he is going to continue to be a great patient! We are also going to take part in a very promising research study. The study will consist of the standard care (radiation + temedor....a chemo pill) plus a few medications that have worked very well with other cancers. We have to wait 28 days post surgery to start the process, so we will begin in a few weeks. I believe the treatment will last 6-7 weeks.

It has been very difficult to sort through all the information and options that are available. I feel like we are clearly being lead down the direction to be a part of this research study. We were initially looking into our options at Duke University (they have an excellent Brain Tumor center). I have been corresponding with their people, but they do not have anything beyond the standard care to offer us at this point. To me, it seems pointless to leave our support system and travel to Durham if they can offer the same or better treatment in Omaha. I am very thankful the people at Duke have been willing to give advise and share information via email. The thought of traveling seems unrealistic and I am just glad they were able to help us via email. They have encouraged us to partake in the study. They are big fans of the additional medication Seth with receive by being part of the study. So we must move forward and trust that God has provided this study for Seth.

Seth started feeling bad almost a month ago. This is when the pain and vomiting started. So I am encouraged to start this process so Seth can start to feel better. Everyday has been a new experience. At times, I feel like we are taking a step backwards, but as long as we keep taking two steps forward....we are making progress in the right direction. This is what we must focus on.....progress. I know this will be a long journey, but we have God and our support system walking with us. Thanks again for all the prayers.....keep them flowing!

love Joey & Seth

bye bye

2009-03-25T13:53:00.000-07:00

Well we should be leaving the hospital within the next hour or so. It will be really nice to sleep without being bothered. The nurses and other staff members at Methodist have been awesome. I am glad we were in such good hands. Seth's staples should also be removed today. Yeah!!! I will try to take a pre and post picture and add it to the site. I will update more later.

Super Hero

2009-03-23T14:42:00.000-07:00

Seth is my very own SUPERMAN!!!! Even though we had a set back....he just continues to amaze me every minute every day. He is so strong and determined. I just can't say how proud I am of him and his will power. I think we might be able to leave in a few days. He is now off the IV drip and eating lots of real food. That's all for now....please continue to pray for us....but mostly Seth.

Love Joey

room assignment

2009-03-19T23:28:00.000-07:00

Well it is 1:30 am and we just got settled. We were suppose to go to the fifth floor, but it was full. So now we are on the 7th floor in room 732 South. Even though this has been a horrible experience, it has been a relief to see God's hand in all of this. It is really amazing how he places people together at certain times. It is by no chance, it is by God's awesome planning that these things happen. Guess who are nurse is????....it is Elnora, the same nurse he had pre-surgery. The same nurse whose son was my student last year at Spring Lake.

I am already getting the deluxe treatment. Seth is in a room with two beds, but thankfully he doesn't have a roommate so....they are letting me sleep in the hospital bed!!!! Yeah to beds....booo to uncomfortable chairs. I am glad we are being taken care of my the best. THANKS ELNORA!

dejaVU!!!!! what a RELIEF

2009-03-19T21:42:00.000-07:00

Well it is almost midnight and guess where we are??????? The emergency room!!!! I find it strange that the letters "E" & "R" are in our last name. Strange don't you think. Actually every letter in our last name except for "b" is in the word "emergency". If only the letters "m" "o" "n" "e" "y" were in our last name.

We are actually waiting to move upstairs to a room. As much as I didn't miss being here, I am TOTALLY relieved that Seth is being admitted again. Today started off with more puking, but ended up sleeping most of the day. Even though I was happy he wasn't throwing up....he just wasn't right. He was very difficult to wake up or even open his eyes. He only said maybe 10 words the whole day. He wouldn't eat or drink anything. He just laid on the couch napping and grabbing his head every 5 minutes. Since he wasn't talking to me, I really didn't know what was going on, so I just keep giving him pain pills as the time expired.

Oh yeah....I called the doctor about Seth and they prescribed him a new anti nausea medication. Seth's mom went to go pick it up. Apparently insurance would not cover it, so it was going to be $500.00 for the bottle. CRAZY....anyways we did not get it since Seth was not throwing up at this time.

Well fast forward to about 8:00pm....Seth tried to stand up and nearly passed out on us. He then started to sweat and was not really responding to us. He would shake his head, but that was about it. I called my sister-in-law who suggested we take him in to get fluids and see what was going on (thanks Josie!). Seth's mom, Pat, and I felt like we would not be able to get Seth to the car by ourselves, so we called an awesome guy named Troy and he came to the rescue. Thanks Troy! We got Seth in the car and arrived at the hospital shortly after.

Once we arrived in the ER, a very observant nurse (thanks nursey!....I don't know your name) noticed Seth looked horrible (and it probably helped that he had 46 staples in his head) and directed him to a room right away (much quicker than yesterday). So a small crew of nurses went like crazy to get an IV in him and did their best to get him ready so the doctors could figure out what was going on. After many hurry up and wait sessions.....my favorite neurosurgeon resident (Scott Boswell) came to our room. I started to tear up right away. Scott checked on Seth everyday pre and post surgery. It was such a relief to see someone that knew Seth and would recognize that his condition had worsened. They ended up doing another catscan today....and Scott said everything looked good still. What a relief!!!! So Scott went through the many reasons why Seth is feeling horrible. Scott believes a couple things are causing problems....#1 Seth was tapered off the steroids too quickly. As soon as we get up to the 5th floor again, he will get more steroids. #2 The new anti-nausea and pain medication were causing Seth to be overly medicated. So this is probably why Seth's head hurt so bad and why it was so difficult to get Seth to respond. THANKS SCOTT!

I will blog again when I find out what room we are assigned to, in case you want to visit. We will likely stay a couple nights. Again I would prefer to stay at home....but it has been miserable to watch Seth be in pain and not be able to do anything for him. I am again relieved that we will be in the hospital so he can recovery in a pain free fashion. Sorry for the long blog tonight....but a lot has happened. Please continue to pray for Seth. I hope Scott's diagnosis is correct.

track star???

2009-03-18T22:43:00.000-07:00

Well by the way we are going over hurdles....I feel like a track star (my mom came up with that one). Unfortunately we made a trip to the ER tonight. Seth kept throwing up, so by the recommendation of the doctors we went in to see if everything was okay. Good news....they did a CAT scan and Seth has improved already since Monday. His brain is healing properly and swelling is going down.

The doctors are not really sure what is causing the vomiting, but they are not very concerned because the CAT scan was good. It could be the meds, the touch of a flu, or even because he is still healing from a craniotomy (sometimes I forget he just had major surgery).

In case you didn't notice it is almost 1 am right now. We just got home about an hour ago. I gave Seth all his meds and some broth and within 10 minutes he was projectile vomitting all over the place....the bed, himself, and even me. In case you didn't know....I am VERY sympathetic when I see puke.....so much so that I want to join in on the party....if you know what I mean. So this was not easy for me to stomach, but God is good and He gave me the strength to get by and start a load in the washing machine right away.

So now I need to wind down and try sleeping. Please continue to pray.....if he continues to vomit, he will have to be admitted to the hospital. I just hope and pray that the new anti-throw up pills will work.

Thanks....Joey

going home

2009-03-16T07:32:00.000-07:00

Seth just left for a MRI, but we should be released from the hospital after he returns. Even though the staff here at Methodist has been amazing, I am so ready to go home.

Dr. Long came in this morning and talked to us for a few minutes. He said Seth looked really good. He will have his staples removed in two weeks. At this time, we will also meet with an oncologist and radiologist.

I think that is about it for now. I will continue to update this site, but probably not as frequently as I have the last few days. Again.....thanks for all the continued support and prayers. This journey is long from being over, but at least we have tackled phase 1 successfully.

a few pictures in room 508 S

2009-03-15T15:03:00.001-07:00

so far so good

2009-03-15T14:55:00.000-07:00

It has been quiet around here today. Seth took a nap, visited with some family and friends, and is eating more and more at each meal. I am excited at the thought of leaving here tomorrow. I am ready to be home and eat normal food, among other things.

I have given Seth a new favorite number. It is 13. He had his surgery on the 13th (Friday the 13th!!!) and was in bed #13.

Speaking of numbers, I counted the staples in his head. Any guesses???????????????????????????????????????????? If you guessed 46 you are correct.

I am going to try to post a few pictures. I hope I can figure it out.

neighbors

2009-03-15T07:08:00.000-07:00

Seth and I got to bed around midnight last night because of his brother's basketball game. We quickly fell asleep and then were woken up at 1:30am by Seth's neighbor. He was screaming and yelling. It seemed like it would never end, so I got up to ask a nurse about the situation. She quickly warned me that he had dementia and there was nothing they could do about all the noise besides offering us a fan and some ear plugs. I gladly took her up on her offer. It took a while to get the ear plugs because they ran out from the night before!!! Thankfully we never had to use the earplugs. After about 20 -30 minutes of yelling, it finally stopped, but I can hear him starting again. At least we are not trying to sleep now.

A few doctors have already stopped by. One doctor came at 5:30 am!!!! The neurosurgeon said they might kick us out tomorrow....good news. First they must remove the tube in his head that is draining the blood from the surgical site and he has to start taking his meds orally. The nurses, doctors, and therapists continues to be impressed by Seth (and his height too....everyone has made a comment).

STATE CHAMPS!!!!

2009-03-14T21:17:00.001-07:00

More good news....Seth's little brother, Nate Raver, is officially a STATE CHAMP!!!! We are so proud of you Nate (and the rest of the Mead Raiders). Seth and I just finished watching the game from the privacy of his hospital room. I felt like a little kid when the nurse walked in as we were watching the game. She was not happy and wanted us to turn off the TV and go to bed. We had to explain ourselves and then she understood. Wooohoooo!!!!!!!! I can't wait to read the paper tomorrow. Seth's family went to the game and made a sign for Seth. I think they may have aired it during the game, but we did not see it. Good thing it was taped on DVR. Yeah......now I better go to bed before I get grounded by the nurse.

NEW ROOM

2009-03-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

Seth has been moved back to the 5th floor. Room 508 South if you would like to visit. He had many visitors today and now he is taking a nap. Now he needs to rest up to watch his little brother play in the State Basketball Tournament tonight at 9pm. Go MEAD RAIDERS!!!

Seth ate a chicken sandwich today and fries. It is so encouraging to see him have an appetite after more than a week of eating nothing more than toast and protein shakes. I just continue to pray that he gets stronger and better every minute and every day.

I need to give a shout out to all the visitors, emailers, blog viewers, and prayer warriors. We could not go through this without all of you. We love you all.

Joey & Seth

Good Morning!

2009-03-14T05:47:00.000-07:00

Well I am excited to say I slept on a sofa bed last night. I feel so much more refreshed after 1 semi-good nights sleep. Seth will get to start eating real food today. The nurses are currently removing his artery line (helps them monitor blood pressure). After they finish, they are going to move Seth to a chair. The on-call doctors have already stopped by to say everything looks good. Seth should be moved to the fifth floor by later today.

I can already tell that Seth is doing tons better than before surgery. This last week has been such a nightmare. He just went downhill so fast...it was so scary. With all the vomiting, confusion, and lack of sleep and food....it was really somewhat of a relief that he was going to have surgery. Even though surgery is a scary thought, it was the only option for him to get any better. Thankfully the surgery was a success. It is amazing to see him act more like himself and actually have more energy now than he did when we admitted him a day earlier.

I will post again after we move floors. Please feel free to stop by and visit. He is currently in Room 750 (N tower ICU). VISITORS WELCOME!!!!!!

a smile

2009-03-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

Well I know they say a picture is worth a 1000 words, but I think a smile is worth a million. Seth is resting comfortably in the ICU (aka the Presidential suite). He has wonderful nurses that are amazed by his recovery already. Can you believe he is not on ANY pain medication? What a super trooper.....my own personal superman! To top it all off.....he smiled for me! I couldn't ask for anything else.

For all you Spring Lakers....what a small world......Josh Catbagan's (a former SLM student) mom was Seth's nurse last night.

ICU

2009-03-13T14:39:00.000-07:00

Seth is in the ICU now and and doing well. The nurses say his surgery went well and he is resting and recovering peacefully. He answered all questions asked of him correctly and went back to sleep. It looks like he has about 34 staples. I will count later and get everyone a final count. I plan to stay at the hospital again tonight. I am so relieved that he is doing well. While in the ICU, our cells phones have to be off. so if you try to call, I will probably not answer. You can always email me too joey.embrey@ops.org . If you want to come up on Saturday, he is in ICU 7th floor, room 750.
Thanks again for all the support and prayers.

out of surgery

2009-03-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

Seth is now out of surgery and on his way to the ICU to recovery. At this time he is not awake, but Dr. Long said the surgery went really well.....praise the Lord! Dr. Long actually said it was not as bad as he thought it might be. Now we just need to wait for him to wake up and start the full recovery process. After a team of doctors reviews Seth's case, he may start chemo or radiation within a few weeks, based on their analysis. Please just continue to pray....I will update again after I talked to Seth.

Stable updates

2009-03-13T10:47:00.000-07:00

We've had a couple updates....all good. He is being a great patient and is doing great. The doctor has just started the "microscope" phase. Apparently this will be the long and slow phase of the surgery. Good thing....slow and steady wins the race!

Hopefully he will be in surgery for about 2 more hours and then off to recovery. I wanted to share some scripture with you. I feel like it has summed up all the support we have received.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (New Century Version)

Friends and Family Give Strength

9 Two people are better than one,
because they get more done by working together.
10 If one falls down,
the other can help him up.
But it is bad for the person who is alone and falls,
because no one is there to help.
11 If two lie down together, they will be warm,
but a person alone will not be warm.
12 An enemy might defeat one person,
but two people together can defend themselves;
a rope that is woven of three strings is hard to break.

love Joey

Surgery time

2009-03-13T08:28:00.000-07:00

Seth just started surgery. Please continue to pray for success. Before surgery he did throw up, but I hope that was better for him to do pre surgery than post or during surgery. His other prep for surgery went really well. They will continue to update us throughout the surgery. I believe the surgery should be about 4 hours. So far so good.....keep up all the awesome prayers.

Joey

Additional prayer

2009-03-12T20:19:00.000-07:00

Please add Grover to your list of prayers. He is sharing a room with Seth. I feel horrible for being mad about the noise level earlier. Grover and his wife are actually very sweet. He has lung cancer and was told he only had a month to live. That was 15 months ago! I pray that a miracle occurs and his cancer goes away!

Long story short, they were going to kick me out of Seth's room tonight and sweet Grover told them I could stay. Bless his heart. I didn't drive here, so I would have been stuck in a waiting room on a couch. Instead I am in a regular chair, but at least I am by Seth's side.

Have a great night and I will update more tomorrow.

Love Joey

3pm update

2009-03-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

What would we do without prescription medication. Seth is doing SOOOOOO much better. He has been resting peacefully with the help of some powerful drugs. He woke up a little bit ago and he was wonderful. He was laughing at our jokes and rolling his eyes at my dad!!! We even went for a walk. Unfortunately, Seth is sharing a room with another patient. I think his roommate might be hard of hearing because the TV is very loud!! Seth doesn't seem to be bothered but the noise, but it is driving the rest of us nuts. Please just continue to pray for Seth's surgery and his treatment that will likely follow. I just want my husband to feel better and be able to just be himself. Thank you for all your continued prayers. I will continue to update the site.

Joey

early check-in

2009-03-12T10:18:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to update you quickly.....Seth started throwing up at 3:00am this morning. He threw up 3 times between 3 and 6am. I called his doctor and he recommended bringing him into the hospital. Now, we are at the hospital waiting for his iv and pain medication. He is in serious pain right now and I want him on some meds right away. Please continue to pray for him. It is hard to see him throwing up, in so much pain, and no energy. Please pray that he can get some meds soon, that they start working right away, he keeps them down, and he is able to recharge for his surgery tomorrow. Thanks....

Love
Joey

Here we go again

2009-03-10T10:55:00.000-07:00

Well....I don't know how to say this other than by just saying it..... Seth is going to have surgery again on Friday, March 13th at Methodist Hospital at 10am. This has all happened very suddenly and unexpected. I am sick to my stomach about the whole thing (literally...I threw up at his doctor's office today). Seth started having headaches a couple weeks ago. Last Thursday he started throwing up and Friday he had an MRI. We met with his neurosurgeon today. He said there has been growth since November and it is causing swelling on his brain. Therefore, he is going to have surgery and probably other treatments.

My biggest request is for prayers. Please pray for Seth. He needs lots of prayer. He has not been eating much of anything. I want to make sure he is as strong as he can be by Friday. Please pray for rest as well. He has been pretty good about sleeping, but I think he has been waking up frequently. His doctor encouraged us by saying that he has age on mental awareness on his side. I guess those are the top two indicators for craniotomy success. Please also pray for his neurosurgeon, Dr. Long. Please pray that his is rested, strong, and that he is able to get out as much of the tumor as possible, without causing any further damage. Also pray for me (but save most of your prayers for Seth). As caregiver, I have not been doing a good job of taking care of myself. My stomach is in knots, I can't sleep, and I have lost 4 lbs since Friday. Oddly enough I my stomach feels better after meeting with the doctor today. I think the anticipation is the worst part.

One more thing....this is really hard to say because I know you all love and support us, but......from now until Friday morning, I am asking for you to contact us by email (joey.embrey@ops.org). I want Seth to get as much rest as possible and a non-stop ringing phone doesn't help. If you email me, one of us will call you back when Seth is awake. Thanks for understanding this request.

I will update this site as Seth is in surgery and post surgery too. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE....PRAY!!!! Thanks....Love JOEY

UPDATE

2007-11-29T20:09:00.000-08:00

If I haven't said it enough, I appreciate all your love and support throughout this obstacle. Seth is doing really well. In fact, this is is second week at work. His hair is growing over the scar and his energy level seems to be close to normal.

We have received some bad news regarding Jack, but we are optimistic. The doctors changed their course of action when they discovered the melanoma had spread to his liver and spleen. Even though his blood work came back clean, to double check, teh doctors decided to do an MRI on his brain. Unfortunately the tumor has spread to brain. The doctors are hopeful that it has been caught early. Jack will start chemo and radiation on Monday. If you would like more information, go to the following site http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jackrittenhouse

Please continue to pray for Jack and his family.

Jack Update...Please Pray

2007-11-14T12:01:00.000-08:00

Jack, Seth's brother-in-law, went to Methodist today for a laprascopy (sp?). As you know he has a tumor in his eye. The doctors were worried the tumor might spread to other parts of his body. After a few scans they saw some areas of interest in his liver and spleen. Jack is still recovering from surgery, but I just talked with Seth and the areas of interest are indeed melanoma. I do not know much right now, but they are going to begin chemo right away. Please pray they are able to remove all the melanoma with the chemo. Please pray for Angie (his wife) and Graci (his 5 yr. old daughter).

Thanks

The curse continues

2007-11-10T09:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we went to the doctor to have Seth's staples removed from his head. They were really starting to bother him, so I am glad they are out of his head. After the appointment, we were really hungry, so we decided to go to Kona Grill for an appetizer. I've heard their food is great and as a bonus it was happy hour time, so the food was half price.

We ordered a couple items (onion rings and egg rolls) and started eating. On a side note, many of you know I am allergic to peanuts, almonds, peacons, cashews, and other nuts. A common qestion I receive is, what happens when you are exposed to a nut. My last reaction was about 20 years ago. It occured during the holiday season while I was just cracking some walnuts (I did not even eat it). Basically I got a little itchy and puffy. Well I can now confirm what happens when I ingest a nut.

If you've seen the movie "Hitch" you already have a visual (okay it wasn't that bad, but internally it felt like that). Anyways I dipped the egg roll into a green sauce. I immediately started to feel weird. My throat begin to itch and swell, and my lips looked liked I just received some Botox. After a few minutes of trying to figure what happened, we asked for the check and wanted to know more about the ingredients in the food items. Of the six employees surrounding us, only one knew the green dipping sauce had cashews in it. I am normally very good about asking, but I would have never thought a green dipping sauce for an egg roll would have any nuts in it, especially when it is bright green.

So we asked for the bill and went to Lakeside Emergency. I threw up several times and was injected with fluids, benedryl, steroids, and pepcid. I am doing much better now, but am very bitter that a $3 eggroll has turned into a $200 medical bill. Here I am, in the role of the caregiver and then poor Seth has to start taking care of me. I guess it was nice to know, that Seth is a good nurse too!

Enough about me...please keep my brother-in-law Jack in your prayers. The doctors decided to postpone his eye surgery after they found some spots on the Pet scan. He is going in next week to have a scope. From here they will be able to biopsy the areas of interest in his liver and spleen. Please pray this goes well.

2 Months

2007-11-02T10:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our 2 month anniversary! I can't believe it. It seems like we have been married for much longer.

We are home now. It has been nice just to relax at home without any nurses or doctors (no offense). Seth has been napping, but has a hard time getting comfortable. He has to keep his head above his heart, so sleeping is a little awkward now.

Honestly it has been really nice just to spend time with him. I guess this is our chance at a honeymoon since we were not able to take one after the wedding. I would have prefered a beach, an ocean, or a mountain view, but I guess a corn field will do.

Seth lost 9 lbs from the surgery. Unfortunately I found five of the pounds. I haven't ate this well in awhile. We have been given food almost everyday since he has been out of the hospital. I guess I need to start using a little self control.

My internet access has been limited. I will try to update the blog again soon.

GOING HOME

2007-10-27T07:42:00.000-07:00

We just saw the doctors. The doctors said we can go home. Seth is doing very well. Most of the nurses have been surprised at how well he is doing. It will be much nicer for the both of us to be home. I have not been sleeping well, so it will be nice to be back in a normal bed.

They removed the bandages this morning. Seth has 34 stitches on the top of his head and very little swelling. Overall he is doing even better this time around with the surgery. His thoughts are more clear and his face looks like normal. I plan to put some pictures on the website soon. I would like to put a picture from the 04' surgery and this weeks surgery. It is pretty amazing how much better he looks this time around.

The neurosurgeon is going to present Seth's case and pathology to a group of neurosurgeons to decide what steps to take next. Please continue to pray for the road ahead.

Thanks for your support.

LOVE Joey & Seth

SURGERY UPDATE 3

2007-10-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

Today we were moved from the ICU into a new room that is much smaller and not as comfy or cozy. One good thing about the move is that we are a step closer to being released from the hospital. We hope we will go home sometime tomorrow. Visitors keep coming to the hospital to check in and drop off goodies. I believe all the support helps with Seth's recovery....so THANKS! It makes me feel really sorry for the people at the hospital who have no one.

I am continually amazed by Seth's mental and physical strength and determination. He has already gone a few walks today. He even wants to help Jack (his brother-in-law) with his boat storage business on Sunday (don't worry.....I will not let him!). Nathan, Seth's little brother, plays football for Mead High School. His team played last night and won in the first round of the playoffs. His team will play again this week. Seth is determined to be on the sidelines cheering for him. We are going to play it by ear on that one.

Please continue to keep Jack (Seth's brother-in-law) and his family in your prayers. We are still waiting to hear more about his situation. He just found out that he has a tumor in his eye. He is scheduled to have the tumor removed November 7th in Iowa City. Jack had a PET scan earlier this week to make sure the tumor is not located in another part of his body. We are still waiting to hear the results of the test.

I just thank God for the miracle He performed on my husband yesterday and really everyday. I am so thankful for the technology and research that exists on the brain. I am going to keep praying that they will continue to find out more about the brain everyday.

FYI - I plan to use this blog post-surgery to report about good stuff (vacations, babies, new houses, etc) that happens in our family too!

adios

SURGERY UPDATE 2

2007-10-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

I tried to post a blog earlier, but we've been busy with visitors. Seth is doing great! I was able to see him around 2:00pm. I was excited to see him move all of his fingers and toes. I was even more reassured when one of the first things he said was a quote from a movie.

I have been trying to let him rest, but I try to check on him every hour. He looks and sounds better and better every time I see him. He already wants to get up and move around. Unfortunately they will not let him eat or drink anything even though he is starving and dehydrated. I am amazed by his drive and will. He is convinced that he will be released from the hospital tomorrow. The doctor disagrees, but hopes we will be out by Saturday or Sunday.

I went home for an hour or so to eat and clean up. I am now back at the hospital. I am completely exhausted. The bed doesn't feel very comfortable, but I have a feeling I will not have any problems sleeping tonight.

Thanks again for all your prayers. Please continue to pray. I know everything has gone well today, but we still have an uncertain road ahead.

love Joey

SURGERY UPDATE

2007-10-25T10:17:00.000-07:00

Seth just got out of surgery. He will be in a PACU room (whatever that stands for) for an hour or so until he wakes up. From there he will go to the ICU. The doctor said the surgery went well from a technical view. He also said Seth may have some weakness on the right side of his body, but he will not know until later if it is temporary or permanent. Please continue to pray for Seth's health. There are still potential side effects that could occur. I know we still have a long road ahead of us, but I feel optimistic because of the doctor's comments. I have received a bunch of emails and phone calls. I know people from across the nation are literally praying for us. It is very comforting to feel God's presence in such a crappy situation. I thought I would be a complete mess today, but suprisingly I only cried for about 2 minutes. I KNOW that is due to prayer. THANKS!

I will try to post one more update tonight after I see and talk to Seth.

Surgery

2007-10-25T06:26:00.000-07:00

Seth pulled a Brittney yesterday. In preparation for the surgery, he shaved his head. Actually I started off the procedure and he finished it. I will add more pictures later.

This blogging thing is much harder than I thought it would be. I started at least an hour ago and have only written 4 sentences.

We are currently at the hospital. We arrived at 5:30 this morning. I am surrounded by Seth's family and my family. It has been great to have such an awesome support system. Renee and Erin (the assistant principal and counselor from our school) just brought up a basketfull of goodies from the staff at school. It is packed with magazines, snacks, and beverages. Spring Lake has been such a blessing to our family.

Cuurently Seth is in the OR. We have received a couple of updates from the nurse. Everything is going well. I am surprised how relaxed and calm I am today. I know it is because of all the prayers. Thanks you all for all your love and support. I will try to keep updating the site as we receive more information.

WEDDING

2007-10-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures from the wedding. We had a wonderful day. It was gorgeous outside and Nebraska won!

View this website for more pictures. http://www.somethingnewproductions.com/mich-9-1-2007-19/mich-9-1-2007.html